Province Names

In my last post, I mentioned that the names of some provinces are really cool, while others are lame. I thought it might be fun to go through some of the reasons why I think that of each name. So let's start with my home province of BC.

British Columbia. First of all, the name is too long. We need to shorten it down to about 2-4 syllables at the most. Second of all, the British Empire is gone. I am still a monarchist, but I don't think we need to advertise our allegiance to the British Crown on our flag, in our name, and everywhere else. Queen Elizabeth II is the Queen of British Columbia (or whatever new name we might decide on) in addition to being the Queen of Britain and a bunch of other places. We like Britain, but I don't see any reason why we still need to depend on them for our identity. So British anything is out. Columbia, however, is a fine name. We're lucky enough that no one else uses it, except for Colombia, which spells it differently. One problem I have with using Columbia as a name is that it is also the name of one of our major rivers, which we share with the United States. I love the Columbia River, and I'm happy to share it, but I also happen to think that our province should be named after something distinctly us. I'd advocate renaming the province Fraser, but it lacks the poetic ring of Columbia, and I'd rather trade up than down. Not to mention, Fraser sounds like a ten-year-old piano prodigy. Still, there's something to be said for a province with a name that rhymes with razor, and brings to mind a million-square kilometer freezer. For once I'd like to see some honesty in naming a place [I'm looking at you, Greenland!]. Except not the entire province is freezing, and we're actually for the most part, balmier than Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and parts of Ontario, not to mention the Territories. No, most of BC is probably more like the freezer sitting out in the back yard gathering mold and rust.

Anyways, enough about BC. Let's move east.

Alberta. I have no problem with the name Alberta. Except that I'm pretty sure I have an aunt named Alberta. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone has an Aunt Alberta, and well, actually I was going to say that Aunt Alberta is never a very physically attractive image, and you wouldn't associate a country that's supposed to evoke pride with such a name. However, I think the name is particularly suited to Alberta. Still, if she had a prettier name, maybe we wouldn't be so quick to dismiss her natural heritage, destroying her sensitive environment, and such. Maybe if she had a classier name, or at least a more common, youthful name, like Christina.

Saskatchewan. I like this name. It's cool and fun to say. Four syllables is pushing it, but it's poetic and alliterative, so I don't mind. I also don't mind, in this case, that it's hard to spell. The only thing I would change about Saskatchewan is the shape of its borders. They're so darn boring. Saskatchewan is the only province in Canada that's a complete, perfect rectangle (or close enough). Actually, scratch that. That kind of does make Saskatchewan interesting in its own way. Here's what I'd rather see: change the borders of Alberta and Manitoba so that they're less square-shaped, but leave Saskatchewan the way it is, so that it's the only province with a flat, square shape in the whole country. I guess it would be mathematically difficult to do that, since it has to share borders with some other provinces. Ah well, one can dream, can't one?

Manitoba. Okay, we're talking about names, not borders or flatness, or personality, or anything like that. So Manitoba has a pretty cool name. You could shorten it to 'Toba if you wanted to. The one complain I have about the name is that it might be considered sexist. Why not Womanitoba?

Ontario. As much as I dislike Ontario [mainly on account of Toronto], I have to admit it has a pretty cool name. I'm also happy with Ontario for losing Upper Canada as a name. Way to go Ontario, for taking one for the team and giving up your name for the good of the whole country! I mean, Upper Canada? Who did they think they were? Archangels? Besides, if any province is Upper, it's BC, because we have the most, highest mountains. Hey, I guess I just thought of the perfect new name for BC!

Quebec. It doesn't really make a difference whether or not I approve of the name of Quebec, since I'm an Anglophone.

New Brunswick. Now we're getting into the names I don't like. Minus 10 points for having "New" in your name. If you liked Brunswick so much, why the Hell did you leave? And did you ever consider the feelings of the poor people of Old Brunswick, who get stuck being yesterday's news? I know I wouldn't like it if someone decided to call themselves "New Josh", implying that I am now Old Josh, and somehow outdated. Anyways, you have a lot of history, so you could easily find a fitting name. I hear "Acadia" isn't even being used right now. At the very least, steal an Indian word. Why not Micmac?

Nova Scotia. Minus 10 points; you're not fooling me with your fancy Latin; I know it means "New Scotland." Go back and read everything I said about New Brunswick: that applies to you too. Plus, shame on you for changing your name from Acadia, which was ten times as cool as Nova Scotia. In case you didn't read my entry on New Brunswick, I'm offering them the name Acadia. However, I will award plus 3 points, because you are impressing me with your fancy Latin. Nova Scotia is pretty fun to say. Just try it: say Nova Scotia over and over again, let's say, one hundred times. See? It just doesn't get old. Now try doing it on a cross-country drive all the way from BC to Nova Scotia.

Prince Edward Island. Any province that frequently has to use its initials as its name is in need of a change of names. Just like BC, PEI is just too long to say in its normal format. Plus, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I don't approve of royalist names with the actual title in the place name. If you must name the place after Prince Edward, just call it Edward Island [admittedly boring, another ten-year-old piano-playing prodigy, methinks]. Or Augustus Island. That would be cool. One thing I'm glad for though, is that you didn't stick with John's Island, or St. John's Island. We have far too many places named after St. John in the world. I like him too, but we don't need an island and a town named after him in every country in the world.

Newfoundland and Labrador. Or is it Labrador and Newfoundland? Seriously guys, separate into two separate provinces already! You're confusing the rest of us in Canada. [No one else in the world cares.] In fact, I'm going to discuss each of you separately.

Newfoundland. Okay, we get it. New found land. You were the first part of Canada to be "Found" by Europeans. Whoop-di-freaking-doo! Except, that was 1000 years ago [if we're counting the Vikings, which we probably shouldn't be]. 400 if we're talking John Cabot. I think it was pretty obvious, pretty quick, that you weren't the only new land to be found in the region at the time.
So why did the name stick? Why couldn't you come up with a better name? Labrador did. Canada did. Acadia did. Quebec did. Listen up people! Can't you realize you need to stop putting "New" in your countries' names? It will just make you look stupid in 400 years (still calling yourself "new"? ha!), and it will piss off the Oldfoundlands who don't think they're really that old at all. But all right, one thing I have to grant you, Newfoundland, is that you've managed to slur your name right beyond recognition as a series of English words. This does, I'll admit, make Newfoundland a little fun to say. Even worse than Newfoundland as a name, would be "The Rock". As if you're the only place in the world with rocks. Or maybe I should feel sorry for you because all you've got is a big rock. But that's not true either. I know for a fact that you have a rich cultural tradition you could draw a suitable name from.

Labrador. Awesome name. Sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings. Sounds like a powerful nation that doesn't need fancy long, complicated names. Just Labrador. Reminds me of Rus. Not that you live up to such a name, but I can't ask for everything, can I? While I'm in the asking business, please ditch Newfoundland until it finds a better name.

The Northwest Territories. Congratulations, you've won! The worst name of any Canadian province or territory, and you did it without even having "new" in your name. Your prize: an all-expenses-paid trip to Nunavut! Seriously, when are we finally going to carve this piece of land up and make it into interesting-sounding territories? How many years has it been since Confederation? Okay, I'll admit we've made a heck of a lot of progress in shrinking this disgrace to toponomy over the years, carving more interesting bits out of it. But, annoyingly, it's still there! And it's gotten worse: the Northwest Territories used to be made up of actual territories that had cool-sounding names like Franklin, Keewatin, Devlon, and Butterberg. Okay, I made some of those up, but that's because I can't find them on any map of Canada I own anymore. Now it's all just the boring old Northwest Territories. What are these territories? Well, we couldn't be bothered to name or describe or bound them. They're just loose territories. Out there. Kind of vague and you have to sort of squint to see them. Even Rupert's Land, which is a pretty stupid name, was better than the Northwest Territories. Not that you don't have any interesting names. Yellowknife, for example, is a name I can get behind. It's kind of badass, almost like Rusty-knife, or Bloody-bone-that-I-cut-out-from-a-still-breathing-elk-Knife. You have to be badass to live in the Northwest Territories, or just batshit insane, so maybe they're just not the kind of people concerned with nomenclature, but rather the kind of people concerned with not freezing or starving to death. That doesn't exactly explain things though, since they do happen to have the Yukon Territory and Nunavut, both creatively named, right next to them. I don't know, I guess I can only hope that the NWT gets a name change within my lifetime, since it's already taken several lifetimes just to get to where it is today.

Yukon. Ah, much better. Although, like the Columbia mentioned way back in BC, I dislike naming territories based on stuff that they share with neighbouring states. After what I've seen in Atlantic Canada, I think my standards have been lowered quite a bit, so I might be willing to let this one slide. Yukon is another fun one to say. I wish BC had a name as cool and quirky as Yukon.

Nunavut. I guess I've saved the best for last. Nunavut is a pretty sweet name. Ignoring the fact that it sounds like "none of it," which I've been able to do since about three years after I learned about the new territory, everything else about the name is awesome. It comes from an indigenous language, and it wasn't stolen or bastardized any more than it had to be in order to be pronounced by Anglophones. There's no needless qualifications like "Canadian Nunavut" or "East Inuitland" or "North Canada". Just three syllables. Nunavut. As in "none of your damn business." Okay, I guess I never did get over the fact that the first two syllables sound like "none of." You know, I really don't know how they did it in Nunavut, came up with a creative name, and a whole writing system that isn't based on the Latin alphabet, when they should have been doing what the NWTers were doing and trying not to starve or freeze. If I were cynical, I might suspect that it was a ploy by the federal government in order to solidify Canadian sovereignty over Arctic waters. NWT just doesn't have the same access to all the islands that Nunavut does. And if the Canadians hadn't courted the Inuit, perhaps the Americans would have done so. [I don't think the Inuit would have gone for anything offered by the Americans, but I do think the threat of such events would be sufficient to motivate the Canadians to take action.] I just honestly hope that Nunavut doesn't follow the American model of various Indian territories becoming states, becoming farms for European immigrants, forcing Indians into smaller reserves.

Well, that's it.